(after Sun Ra)
Maybe it’s because I get too cosmic at the expense of right here, right now. Today, pewter skies, footfall, rain-soaked pavements. Hues of blues and chromatics of black. A winter palette. All shades are welcome but only the ones of the highest value will be received. It’s time to find silence again and make use of the revelatory consequences of solitude. Find out where I’ve been all summer, as the whirl and blur of endless days conspire into the pelting stillness of the long night. Dust bright nights now settling eddies of clarity.
I petroleum my day, burning rubber down the aisle of the cafe I like. I hop, skip and jump, turning over yesterday's heap trying to uncover clues about now and if I’m lucky I can predict something about my future. Don’t get too general, focus on yourself. It’s excitement, it's joy. Maybe. I made it through something that is no more but I am still. Today I am really feeling It. Feel to heal. Another gold star, this must mean I am on the right path.
My belly, my chest, mostly my chest. I am starting to recognise how guilt drives me, more like drags me along, I cannot see so I keep my head down. I try to look up, everything is flashing, threats become an omnipresent menace hiding in the space between shadows. Fears masquerading innocently. Iron Will.
Sometimes I want to say what I think I cannot. This puts me in a bind, and the only way out is through my head. What if it’s all natural? Just different growing conditions. ROYGBIV. Different feeding schedules, terracotta and clay. So, I am here feeling everything all at once. Trying to understand what I have on my hands, sorting through what is mine and what is not mine. Trying to hold It down but slipping as the urge to let It all out compounds. I want to unleash but I don’t know how. What’s the point of keeping it all in? Who does it benefit? The secrets have wounded me the most, not what I have told. Betrayal is inevitable, half the time it’s unintentional. At least now I am in control of where my attention goes. It’s also about what I expect, I keep reflecting myself in the people I meet and disowning my worst and my best. Betrayal says more about you than it does about me, even if it ends in my hurt. I am showing up in my natural state and I Will not deny It.
He rushes along on his bike. Hat, hair, legs tension down, rebound up then down again. He’s moving forward but pushing back. How powerful is a wish? I think in the moments that crisis hits whatever is said becomes a wish. So be careful, It is listening. You must wish with purpose especially as order transitions into chaos. Inflection points have the most momentum. Don’t fall asleep on Ley lines.
What lies behind my filters? Everything else. Pure potential. Vestigial energies cut off from the renewing source, compulsively seeking reunion. Reconnection is entirely up to me. I conspire in my own isolation more often than I can seem to admit. I writhe and wallow in my own consternation before I can see my Pattern. Before I can stomach the look in the mirror. I’ve never really seen my own reflection, every time I look I see my mother’s shame.
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